Going to buddhist camp later... Will be away til this sunday ..Part of me, wanted to go.. part of me.. didnt.. Dun ask me y.. i oso dun know.. haih... what i know is that im sooo sleepy and tired and feel weak recently... didnt feel like going out too.. i just wanna stay home... playing online games, watching tv and sleep...

       Even now,my head hurts when im typing this.. i guess i better continue sleeping.. Zzzz

   At last, my gloomy days r over... yippie~ n guess wert.. 2day it didnt rain at all! not even a single drop fall from d sky... dun ask me y, but when i woke up 2day, i didnt feel unhappy, upset, 'fan', stress... instead, i felt calm n peace... n my appetite came back! yippie... few days ago, whatever dat got into my mouth, it felt tasteless.. i can only eat a small portion.. but 2day, i ate quite alot.. yummy~ i luvvvv foooddd! haha~ 

    Yesterday i had a strange encounter.. as usual i cried myself to sleep.. halfway crying, i saw a blurry dark image at the wall of my room.. but i didnt care bout it as i tot i cried til my mind started imagining things.. Jz when i was about to fall asleep, suddenly i found my heartbeat began to slow down... my whole body remain motionless, i couldnt move at all.. in fact i found myself hard to breath... only my brain was awake.. suddenly, i heard a voice.. it was telling me to let go.. let myself go... Somehow, i listened to d voice.. as i began to let myself go, i felt lighter n lighter... it was as if my soul was being lift up.. my heartbeat got slower n slower.. It was then, at that certain point, my brain was yelling at me..

 

" WAKE UP! dun giv up just like that! think bout ur loved ones!!! think bout ur dream!! "

 

It was then, d images of my parents, my siblings, my boyfren, my frens, the sun, the sea, the green forest came into my mind.. I luv my life.. Y sud i let myself go? Immediately I sat up, my heartbeat returned to normal, i can move my hands, legs.. Am i just imagining things or angel of death just visited me? But im glad that i had that encounter.. it made me appreciate my life more.. Indeed i felt better, my burden was gone... mayb angel of 'burden' came last nite..

MY life is falling apart again.. i begin to depress again and again.. undergo emotion turbulence since last month til now, i stil cant find a way to stop this stupid prob... i cant reveal much here, but i can tell u how frus, how angry, how 'pekchek', how sad, how crazy im for d last few weeks... my mood swings quickly, n i hurt my loved ones badly with my words... sorry to those who got my hurtful remarks.. i really hope i can control myself, can stop myself from uttering those words, from doing stuff dat hurt u all...

 

Everyday, i found myself crying silently, thinking bout d past.. wondering did i make d rite solution last time? did my decision in d past, my immature thinking when i was stil naive, hugely contribute to dis prob? Somtimes i wonder, if i could turn back d time, am i a different person now? wil i b happy now? or im stil d old me n stil hav to endure this pain?

 

 

it's raining heavily these few days.. gloomy, dark n wet.. match my mood indeed..